Sitting at my desk. Months it's been... finally cleared a path through the stored toys and the stashed materials. Behind me is chaos. I daydream of building shelves in the 'workshop' but don't do it. What care I for material goods? Why make anything? And yet one might have a moment whilst viewing - even the viewing of the making, glass for example, being made in a cave by torchlight, creating a fleeting performative moment.
But being a hoarder (or sorts) has its uses... How might the caves have played out if i hadn't had a van and a whole scrap-store of my own?
The caves is over and work experience is done. And still i look for more. Always happy to find more work experience, never looking for paid work. Learning. always learning never applying. Soon I go to Cardiff to meet No Fit State. Lighting internship. Fleeting, ephemeral. Both the internship and the output. moments in time.
To be welcomed on the one hand and yet pushed out with the other. Is an academic welcome? No one likes to be examined - to be watched and admired yes, but to have someone 'read' ones performance, drawing parallels between life, society, politics... this unpicking is another thing entirely.
'Other'. If being 'other' is your bread and butter then there is (is there?) an automatic conflict between requesting legitimacy and acknowledgment and remaining intangible. It seems that (the role of the academic) we seek to understand, and through understanding comes familiarity - perhaps then, with familiarity comes a lessening of respect/wonder/awe or whatever makes it special and thus financially possible. But it is changing. The focus is not so much on 'other' as exotic, distant, now the interesting thing perhaps is a narcissistic, inward looking, examination on what might be possible for this body, in this space, an acknowledgement that with focus we are all capable of brilliant things. Perhaps this fits with permeability, with the need to experience, not simply view.
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